I am a lean, mean, fighting machine again

iTunes is playing: Theme from Shaft – Isaac Hayes – Shaft

I am officially fit. I passed my IPPT and was awarded $200 for doing it well. Keeping trim the past year has paid off, finally. It’s the first time since 1991 I’ve gotten a monetary award for IPPT. Did I mention I’m officially fit now? 5711F Trooper, Armoured Fighting Vehicle (M113 Ultra/OWS), Class One, I am.

I shall now over-dramatise my achievement. Look away now if you can’t handle it. This is my Olympics. I didn’t think I was gunna make it, but I did, despite getting two hours’ sleep last night, running around since 6am (part of my job), swimming at 2.30pm for half an hour (part of my job) and getting stuck in the Orchard Road arvo jam (part of my job). I arrived at Maju Camp at 4.45pm, booked in, waited an hour and started the first station of the test and suffered a cramping calf muscle, falling over in the process. Then my right knee decided to buckle and later swell (but not as bad as what Metastasis suffered). I had a tummy ache from drinking two cans of Red Bull and gobbling a Snickers bar half hour before the test. I had a pounding head from thinking too much about the test. I had dry mouth. I had a slight rash. I had IPPT syndrome.

I also suffered the internal giggles because it’s always funny to be back in camp and being ordered around by PTI sergeants whose Ingri buay sai. Very tiring.

Then after completing and ace-ing the chin-ups, sit-ups, standing broad jump and shuttle run, a big mumfucking thunderstorm threatened to cancel the last and most important station: The two point motherfucking four klick run.

You see, the Singapore Armed Forces is a fair weather Army. Heavy rain with a chance of lightning and all soldiers are ordered indoors. Several soldiers abandoned their test and went home. I was too tired to make a move so quickly, so I waited, napped for half an hour, and one of the PTI sergeants said ‘OK gennermen, the Cat One storm revise to clear liao, please put your tlanspongder on your sue and lie up before the yarlow lie’.

I put my right foot on the yarlow line and cramped up, but still ran like all buggery. For about three minutes. Then I had cramps, headache, tummy ache, stitch for the next eight. Next thing I know, I’m done. And I knew I passed. Very happy. But not as happy as when they passed me the slip of paper that said, Total: 22, Result: Pass, Award: Silver, Payment will be made to your bank a/c.

Now I am going out to treat a friend to Bak Kut Teh.

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15 responses to “I am a lean, mean, fighting machine again”

  1. My RSSs Mr Brown Rockson Roy Ng Stylemywords Scott Adams RSSMiyagi

  2. Little Miss Drinkalot Avatar

    Congratulations 5711F Trooper, Armoured Fighting Vehicle (M113 Ultra/OWS), Class One! (Anyhow hamtam cuz no idea what the terms mean.)

    Bet you were running like all buggery cuz scared you shit in your pants/shorts right?!?

  3. Anonymous Avatar


    *pat* *pat*

    next year GOLD yeah :p

    – powerpuff

  4. Mr Miyagi Avatar

    No, next month Gold. After my birthday I get elevated to the next age category. The first of the geriatric categories, the venerable Cat Z1. Lower standards, easier gold.

  5. Anonymous Avatar

    U Good!
    Tried to run a 2.4 last year but stopped after 0.4 🙂


  6. Mr Miyagi Avatar

    Yah, I used to run 0.4 and make the excuse that I didn’t drink enough Red Bull, and stop.

    I had a little help from my biz partner and uni mate who’ve been accompanying me at training runs (with the incentive of checking out chicks at the SMU track).

  7. Anonymous Avatar

    wah.. so you’re training for next mth and for next two years no IPPT yah heh heh…

    chicks at tracks always have nice lean legs in shorts.. woooh…. *drools*

    Good luck,

  8. JellyGirl Avatar

    Waaah…very impress ah. But what is this ‘tlanspongder’? Is it some kind of secret army magic device that maketh you run faster?

  9. cour marly Avatar


    I don’t know what a tlanspongder on your sue does, but it made me laugh anyway. Heh.

  10. Mr Miyagi Avatar

    OK, everybody gadder here for sort briefing… please tie your tlanspongder to your suelace, make sewer won’t drop. Der tlanspongder will make the machine count for you how many lap you run, and your timing for itch lap, and dis wiw be recorded automatically into your total score. Tie properly, if drop, never record, your run now and woid, and you have to run again. Everybody clear? OK get ready behind the yarlow lie.

  11. TheHairyElephant Avatar

    *TheHairyElphant gives Mr Miyagi a pat on the head.* Hear the guy ROAR.

  12. Anonymous Avatar

    All that mangling is nothing. Until my salvation last Friday, I had a sergeant who pronounced ‘morale’ as ‘more-meow’ and ‘coloured armband’ as ‘Kallang man’. And then there was the correctly-pronounced, but still immortal, ‘I thought you think who confirm?’, possibly the most awesome display of Singrish I’ve ever witnessed.


  13. Mr Miyagi Avatar

    Ah, the timeless “I think you thought..”. Can’t wait for reservist ICT so we can stifle giggles during long lectures: Armoured Fighting Vehicle emergency evacuation situations. 1) Fire in personnel compartment. 1a) What are the symptoms of fire?

  14. […] And so, with the dramatic, almost theatrical, gasping dash that lasted half a minute over the last one hundred metres, I passed the 2.4km run segment of the IPPT tonight, at 13:29, a full minute slower than my previous attempt more than two years ago. […]

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