I can’t remember if it was in primary school or secondary school, when we were on the football/rugby field, and when sledging was de rigeuer but mostly harmless.
Things like “Your momma must be ugly cos you ugly too” were tossed back and forth. And it took a real sporting talent to come up with a killer taunt/sledge. (The all-time prize goes to Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes, who when the legendary Australian bowler Glenn McGrath inquired of him with full intent to insult, “Why are you so fat, you fat cunt?”, very quickly but calmly came back with, “Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit”.)
But on our humbler, less talented playing fields, the winner as far as I remember, was this response to a typical “Yo Momma” taunt that sent every player from either team rolling on the grass:
“You… you… you… Your Mother No Nipple!”
OK, I was only reminded of that because of this mildly interesting post about a Pro-Wrestling poster in Florida which has had the nipples of the wrestlers photoshopped out because of a misinterpretation of a law in that state which prohibits the display of (female) nipples.
Â “I said ‘have you tried doing it outdoors on the picnic table’, I didn’t say “have you tried doing it outdoors WITH the picnic table”!
An Ohio man was charged with public indecency after his neighbour videotaped him having sex with his picnic table.
“The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table…”
Exciting new positions: Look up your IKEA instructions now!
Now you can paralyze would-be assailants to your own beat!
The Taser C2 now comes with a built-in MP3 player and leopard print design and leather case!
The 12 Taser guns recently bought for the Public Order and Riot Squad cost $30,000. For an extra $US80 ($90) apiece, officers could have an MP3 player able to carry 500 songs added to the holster, making it easier to juggle their accessories.
When I was in the Army, someone gave me a gift which was supposed to be the China Army version of the Swiss Army knife. We know the latter to be chock full of useful tools which you might need, like a foldaway magnifying glass to look for the tiny screw which you’ve struggled to place in an equally tiny hole with your tiny screwdriver from the same tool.
But the China Army knife came one (or two) better – there was a foldaway fork and a foldaway spoon, so that you could eat your foldaway meals without using your fingers. Problem was, you could only use one of them at a time, even though the spoon and fork folded out at opposite ends of the tool.
Here’s a gift idea that’s just as useless, and which we saw featured on Fox News, it’s called “The Back Up“, and it’s a cradle that attaches to your bed for to cradle your shotgun where you can reach it while you sleep. “Keep Your Gun By Your Side!”, says the website, “Put your shotgun where you an reach it, instead of some out of the way place where it does you no good!”
As you can imagine, it’s not the gift for everyone. Or as one of the commenters on the YouTube page quips, “This is only for fools who don’t wear their shoulder holster to bed”.
“I told you a thousand times before, put your gun in The Back Up, that’s what I bought it for!”
“But darling, that’s not my gun. It’s loaded though”.