We’ve been baking (actually, Naomi’s been baking and I’ve been helping, cos I can’t bake to save my life), and it pleases us to know that no matter how we might stuff up our Christmas cookies at various stages, they still turn out prettier than the Christmas decorations on Orchard Road.
There is one thing that should be banned for the sake of your kid and the general public – shoes that squeak.
They are by far the most irritating things parents can buy for their children. So far, none of our friends who’ve kids have made their children wear squeaky shoes, so we haven’t been able to ask why the heck anyone would want their kids to squeak with every step they take.
I can only imagine some parents possibly saying that it’d help them know roughly where their kids were running, and how fast they’re running.
A squeak… squeak… squeak… squeak might tell them that their kid was marching along at a normal pace, while a squeak… squeak… squeak… would either mean their kid was walking slowly or trying to hop on one foot (provided both left and right shoe squeaked the same squeak).
A squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak thonk might indicate their kid running into something, with no subsequent squeaks after the thonk indicating that their kid was off his or her feet and badly hurt.
I dunno. Some people have wind chimes to tell them the wind’s blowing, I suppose.
OK, so Iâ€™ve told it before, but what the heck, itâ€™s the season for giving and taking, so you all should just sit back and take it because Iâ€™m gonna tell it again.
A very, very long time ago, when I was still in the Army, there was this NCO (known these days as Specialists) who was totally inept and gullible that we thought up a prank we knew no one would fall for except him.
We set up the prank one dark stormy night somewhere in Area D…
You know what? Thereâ€™s really no better way to tell the story except to blockquote because I told it really well the last time:
During one field training exercise, we parked our vehicles in formation and rested for the night. Cpl Tan was still on alert in his commanderâ€™s cupola, in his vehicle, One-Two-Bravo. Me and the company sergeant major asked him if he was hungry. He said yes.
We then said â€˜Did you know that you can order pizza through the radio commsâ€™?
â€˜Yes, you dunno meh? Switch to this frequency, order what you want, give your location MGR (map grid reference) and they will deliver, no matter where in the jungle you areâ€¦. and if more than one hour, you get one free garlic bread and pepsiâ€™.
The trap was set. We went back to company HQâ€™s vehicle, One-Niner, tuned our radio to â€˜Pizza Hutâ€™ frequency and waited.
Faster than expected. And in proper military radio protocol:
crackle * buzz* Hallo Pizza Hut, Hallo Pizza Hut, This is One Two Bravo, message, over.
Stifling laughter, our company 2IC (2nd in command), took the radio handset and replied,
â€˜Pizza Hut, send, overâ€™.
â€˜One Two Bravo, errâ€¦ umâ€¦ want to order one Super Supreme, overâ€™.
â€˜Pizza Hut, say again, overâ€™.
â€˜One Two Bravo, one Super Supreme, overâ€™.
â€˜Pizza Hut, roger that, would you like a drink with that, over?â€™
â€˜One Two Bravo, errrrrrâ€¦. thatâ€™s a negative, overâ€™.
â€˜Pizza Hut, thatâ€™s a roger, what is your mike golf romeo (MGR), over?â€™
â€˜Pizza Hut, confirm mike golf romeo two six three four seven two, overâ€™.
â€˜One Two Bravo, ummâ€¦ thatâ€™s a roger, overâ€™.
â€˜Pizza Hut to One Two Bravo, roger that, rendevous at your location in figure zero five mike, please prepare exact changeâ€™.
â€˜One Two Bravo, ummm, ok, rogerâ€™.
â€˜Pizza Hut, outâ€™.
For dereliction of duty, unauthorised use of military communications and generally flouting Article 25 of the Singapore Armed Forces Code of Conduct, Cpl Tan Ting Tong was given a field demotion to spare MG gunner. Later on, he was transferred out of Attila, and even later, out of the Battalion. His replacement, Cpl Koh Lian Thye, was almost just as inept, but thatâ€™s several other stories altogether.
Before anyone tricks you into ordering Pizza Hut this Christmas, however, know that you can do it voluntarily because there’s a whole bunch of Christmas specials they’re “unwrapping” around the island – as in those mysterious bus stop ads with the gift wrap around them?
You know? No? You don’t take buses?
Well then, lemme tell you what you can order for Christmas dinner – there’s a X’mas Surprise (a la carte: $25.50 for Regular 10″; $31.50 for Large 13″) which is a stuffed crust pizza with cheese, roasted chicken and peppers – which, I’m told, are red and green to make the whole pie look Christmassy – plus, it’s topped with turkey ham and roasted pepper sauce and garnished with a “pop of cherry”.
There are of course, set meals you can order – with the X’mas Fun Meal starting from $27.90 or if you have a party of 6, you’d want to order the X’mas Surprise Feast.
Best of all, if you order delivery of any Christmas set meal they’ll throw in a free Christmas mug. I mean, not really throw lah – they put the mug in gently. Because the last time someone threw a free mug, someone got hurt.
Oh, and if you’re gonna be using that Citibank credit card of yours, you’ll be rewarded with 25% off a Regular or Large a la carte X’mas Surprise Pizza.
Go orn! Call and order. You know you wanna.
We had a really late night, and the only remedy was for a later wake up but that plan was thwarted by the door bell ringing and the dog barking.
I threw on some clothes and went to answer the door, then I took off my t-shirt, put it on the right way round and opened the door to find two uniformed gentlemen telling me they were from the NEA and that they were doing a mosquito spot check and sorry to wake me up.
I said my mosquitoes are doing well, thank you, how come no one called beforehand this is so inconvenient and disruptive?
This is a spot check sir, we don’t call beforehand, this will only take five minutes, so sorry.
So they came into the house, and with their expert vision, scanned the living room, kitchen and laundry and told me, “it looks ok, thank you”.
They didn’t give me any stickers or certificates that say my mosquitoes passed the test, so I suppose it’s like random breath testing – if you have mozzies, you fail and don’t deserve to live kinda thing so this intrusion is totally justified.
So I don’t know when the next mosquito spot check will be, and we’re all on our toes here – us and the mozzies.